


Ace of Hearts

by hydromeow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, F/M, Jade names her sex toys weird things, More tags to be added, The rating will go up to explicit at some point, Vague post-Sburb AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2019456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydromeow/pseuds/hydromeow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade sighs and slaps her palm against her frontpan, like she cannot believe how goddamn stupid you’re being right now even though you’re the only rational one in this fucking place. “Karkat, seriously. Shut the fuck up. I like having you around! I like kissing your dumb face and fighting over the last slice of pizza - which is mine, by the way, dibs - and going to the planetarium together even though you like to complain about how limited our grasp of space is, and, and all sorts of things! I don’t care if you never want to fuck, you moron!”</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>(Karkat's self-loathing is heavily referenced in this fic, particularly in relation to his asexuality, so if that squicks you out this might not be the fic for you.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So it's, like, troll erectile dysfunction?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karkat isn't meant to represent all people on the ace spectrum here, just that he has no interest in either sex with another person for any reason or masturbation, but he doesn't mind the idea of watching someone else get off or getting them off with his hands. He is very much romantic, though! 
> 
> Requests are currently open at my tumblr! (casanovakarkat.tumblr.com)

Kankri made you. Upset, you guess was the word. He was just so insufferable, and for even more reasons than the first impression had made you assume. He was a fucking pampered, spoiled little wiggler with an entitlement complex the size of two multiverses. (You might've been a little jealous, but Past You would never have admitted that.)

He’d got this ‘vow of celibacy’ for one thing, which didn’t make you angry for the reasons you thought it would. You didn’t think to yourself _what a fucking lying douche_ or _stuck up pansy._  No, no. You thought, alone in your block on the meteor, _why couldn’t I have that?_ and _oh god, are we more alike than I thought?_ The latter idea was clearly disproved when, in one of his more rambly speeches, Kankri blathered on and on about how he would easily get ensnared in the wild sexual relationship messes that his peers were constantly engaging in, were it not for the vow he'd taken to keep his honor. He'd then gone on to say that everyone he knew wanted sex, including himself, and "Karkat, as y9ur friend and ment9r, I will tell y9u that wanting t9 pail is entirely normal, 6ut I must recommend, ah, keeping it 'in y9ur pants' as the leader 9f y9ur little gr9up. " You think he only brought the topic up so he could shame you for being horny enough to want to pail any vaguely attractive person within a 50-mile radius.  

Which is laughable, really. Ha, ha. Because you must always want to sleep with everyone, right? Adolescents  _always_ want sex. It's the only thing on your mind, ever, how badly you must want to get laid. You don’t, and you didn't when he told you that, either. You never did want sex. You don’t want to fuck anyone, at all. You don’t even self-pail, for fuck’s sake! You’d have told Kankri that, if only to shut him up, but. God.

You can’t even tell your matesprit. It’s kind of funny to think Past You would have told a pissy dancestor just to get him to stop nagging you about mating fondness and how it’s perfectly okay for a growing troll to feel these kinds of things (but that really he feels so bad for you). Yeah, right. You’re nine sweeps, now, and according to the schoolfeeds you remember watching when you were younger, you should be in your sexual prime.  Jade keeps dropping hints about how she wants to maybe ‘step it up a notch’ and that whenever you’re ready she is. Which only makes you feel like even more of a raging crotchblister, because you don’t think you’ll ever be ready, and you most certainly don’t want to step up any notches. None of the notches. You like being her matesprit, you really do, but you have no interest in finding out whether or not your mating equipment is compatible. And with that in mind, you think you have to accept that you need to tell Jade sooner rather than later. This is going to suck  _so much asshole._

* * *

 

“So, it’s the troll version of erectile dysfunction?” Jade says around a bite of pizza, “If you want, Karkat, I’m sure we can find a way to make your junk work! You should’ve told me sooner, I bet we can alchemize troll viagra.”

You groan. You don’t even want to know what erectile dysfunction is, but it’s not what you’ve got. “No, fuck. Um. My internal and external reproductive organs work fine, Jade. I’m what’s, uh, dysfunctioning? Whenever my junk tries to say ‘hello, world, gaze upon the mutated monstrosity that is Karkat’s bone bulge’ I feel kind of grossed out, is what I’m saying. And it’s never happened except a couple times.”

Oh, oh shit. Jade’s making a weird face, like you’ve either disappointed her or maybe the pizza has. You think it’s you. “Not that you’re not hot! Jade, you’re gorgeous and I really - I do care about you, I’m so glad we’re flushed, I just. I think my pan is broken. I don’t, uh. I don’t like pailing. I don’t want to pail, and I’m sorry, because I know you do, and I don’t mind watching or maybe helping you out but I never ever want to get my bits involved with your bits, okay? With anyone’s bits, really.” Jade’s not kicking you out of the hive, but that might just be because you share one and you don’t have anywhere to go. You stand up and go to leave, maybe hide in the bathroom and try for the nth time to make yourself work properly, make yourself enjoy getting off even though it just feels _weird_ , but Jade catches your wrist and stops you.

“Karkat, stop being such a dumbass and listen before you decide I hate you!” She snaps, tugging at you until you both sit back down at the kitchen table. Once she’s got you in the chair, Jade holds both your hands in hers and stares directly at you, “I think I know what you’re talking about. It happens sometimes. Sometimes people just don’t like sex!”

“That’s not okay,” you grumble, “It’s not alright. I’d be _cullbait_ if I couldn’t get it up back on Alternia, and it’s not fucking fair to force you to lead a life of lonely masturbation just because your matesprit is scared of getting his bulge wet!”

Jade sighs and slaps her palm against her frontpan, like she cannot believe how goddamn stupid you’re being right now even though you’re the only rational one in this fucking place. “Karkat, seriously. Shut the fuck up. We’re not on Alternia, and it’s a good thing! I like having you around! I like kissing your dumb face and fighting over the last slice of pizza - which is mine, by the way, dibs - and going to the planetarium together even though you like to complain about how limited our grasp of space is, and, and all sorts of things! I don’t _care_ if you never want to fuck, you moron!”

“Oh,” you say dumbly, eyes widening when she jumps back up and drags you to the recreationblock. She points to the couch and instructs you to sit the fuck down, before coming back in with her husk- laptop and settling in beside you, all snuggled up against your side the way you like best. You’re not sure what she’s doing, besides maybe initiating an impromptu cuddle rumpus with added internet bonus. Maybe she’s trying to distract you from what Kanaya calls your Ridiculous Self Loathing Spirals by watching movies?

“Okay, here,” Jade mutters, logging in and pulling up a google tab. She searches ‘never wanting to have sex’ and it pulls up a list of self-help guides to help women pull through menopause (what??) and men who complain about the lack of libido in their ladyfriends (double what? Jade’s the horniest person you’ve ever met, girl has no limits; you hear her in the respiteblock at least three times a week). This is absolutely useless.

“This is useless,” Jade snaps eventually, searching this time for ‘word for never wanting to have sex’ and saying, “Hang on, Karkat, this is a thing, I just have to find the right page…” She clicks on a wikipedia link titled ‘celibacy’ and you feel kind of sick, low in your gut. You really don’t fit with the definition of the word as you know it, and you don’t want to match Kankri any more than you already do.

“I don’t think this one’s me,” you say after a few minutes of looking at the page, which says that it’s a choice made for religious or personal reasons. Yeah, no. You’re not Kankri. You don’t choose not to have sex, you’re just kind of vaguely repulsed by the idea. Jade shushes you.

“No, I know this isn’t it, but I think it has a link to the word I’m looking for - aha!” She hits a link called ‘Asexuality’ and grins smugly as she highlights the parts saying that this is a thing, that people sometimes never ever ever want to have sex, and there’s organizations for you guys and everything. You can feel your lips pulling up in a relieved, disbelieving grin, and Jade leans in to kiss both your cheeks. You have never been so grateful. Good human. Best girlfriend.

“See, fuckass,” Jade says fondly, setting the laptop down and climbing into your lap. You wrap your arms around her waist and kiss the corner of her mouth. “Told you there was nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken, you’re just not interested in banging anyone. Which is okay! I like masturbating just fine, dingus, that’s what Marie Curie: the Terminator under our bed is for. I mean, I'm bummed that I'm never gonna get frisky with the pants squiddle, but that's not a big deal. Really.” The Terminator is an eight-and-a-half-inch, radioactive green realistically-veined silicone monstrosity. You saw it once when you were looking for stray socks.

“I wanna watch, sometime,” you say finally, making a possessive noise in your secondary vocal chambers. Jade shivers and grins. “I want to be there when you, when you, you know.” You want to see her face, maybe see why she likes it so much. You're not sure you want to see her for the same reasons other people would; how many people want to be there when their partner comes just to feel the press of their skin and to revel in the closeness? Well. That, and you've heard people's o-faces are pretty fucking funny, and you bet Jade's would be doubly so. But that's just the icing on the baked wiggling day confection, really.

Jade’s grin gets wider at your suggestion, her funny little buck teeth sticking out and making you feel excited and warm in the pit of your stomach, because you really are so fond of this silly human girl. “Let’s watch a movie before we do anything like that, hotshot,” she says, and you feel even more so.

You end up watching something called Stargate, which Jade loves but loves to bitch about even more, and you focus on the romantic subplot and fill in all the other quadrants with what little you’re given to go with. There's a frustrating lack of blackrom, even between the godly alien dude and the scientist. You don’t get a lot of the whole plot, because it relies way too fucking heavily on exclusively human history, but you like listening to the way Jade’s breath catches in the exciting parts. 

After the movie, she rests her head on your shoulder and hums contentedly, reaching up to pet at your hair and horns until you’re a drowsy puddle on the couch and your eyelids feel like ten-pound weights. By then you're too tired to complain that sleep is for the weak and that you are most certainly not fucking weak, but whatever. You can yell at her later, or something. 'S no big deal. “Be right back,” you think you hear Jade say through the happy-trusting-sleepy fog, and then the next thing you know is that she’s handing you a sopor tablet (fast acting and reliable!) and covering the both of you with a blanket as she settles in next to you. This is nice. You press a kiss, sloppy and uncoordinated, to the top of her head before you drift off. She laughs.

You're dragged back to semi-consciousness when, some time later, Jade shouts “ _Shit!_ The pizza!” and rushes off into the kitchen like there’s any way the rest of it can’t have already gone bad. Oh well. You don't really mind that she called the last slice anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying Kankri can't be asexual, but for the purposes of this fic I felt it fit better to have him keeping his vow of celibacy for personal reasons (such as: he wants to feel better than everyone else) rather than being an ace person. He just didn't strike me that way!


	2. Rose and Kanaya: Provide sage advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I attempted to keep my pale otp out of this fic. I failed.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

GG: hey rose! guess what  
GG: he fiiinally told me!! >:D  
TT: Really? Who's this mysterious 'he' we're talking about? I would assume it's Karkat, but for all I know Dave could have appeared in your house recently and let loose about his sick, sick puppet fetishism.  
GG: thats gross rose  
GG: and i know youre joking anyway! :p he hates anything with dead glass eyes and bulbous  
GG: well bulbous anything i guess? but mostly asses  
TT: I have never made a joke in my life.  
TT: Anyway, you haven't confirmed my suspicions that it was Karkat who told you something. Was it?  
GG: yes of course! :) i was sure he was but he wouldnt admit it! he was all NO JADE ITS OK WE CAN BANG. UH. SOMETIME NEXT WEEK. GRRRR I AM A BIG SCARY TROLL AND I LIKE TO GET LAID  
GG: and he finally told me and its such a relief not to tiptoe around it anymore!!  
TT: Are you going to tiptoe around what this mysterious "it" is around me now? Although I am omniscient, it's much simpler for everyone if you just tell me these things.  
GG: GUESS!!  
GG: thats what guess what means! and that means no seery powers >:O  
TT: Hm. Well, guessing from the little jibe you made about your sex life - unless you're attempting to start a band and he has refused to be the drummer - I would have to say...  
TT: Erectile dysfunction.  
GG: ok no but thats what i thought at first too  
GG: but his love tentacle works totally fine!! hes just ace!  
TT: Love tentacle.  
GG: shut up!! anyway thats not the important part of what i just said!  
TT: No, I'm really going to need a moment to get over love tentacle. I'll have to inform Kanaya of this delightful pet name for her genitalia sometime.   
TT: Anyway, onto the matter you initially wanted to speak with me about; Karkat's sexuality. Or, I suppose, lack thereof.   
TT: I'm going to be honest, I didn't see that coming. I should have - in hindsight, it's painfully obvious. Whenever he stops by to see Kanaya the sexual references he makes are decidedly forced, if they involve him. He's as vulgar as ever in other respects, so I'd just written it off as his usual prudishness. Which I guess isn't quite prudishness, is it? Besides, what sexual person wouldn't want to sleep with you, after all?   
GG: ooh ms lalonde ooh  
GG: but anyway! thats all i had to say   
GG: cause i figured hed tell kanaya and freak out and then shed tell you and youd want all the deets from me! so i decided to skip all that and just tell you right away  
TT: While I agree wholeheartedly with that, at least in regards to telling me, may I make a slight suggestion?  
GG: sure what is it??  
TT: It's wonderful that Karkat's out of the closet, since that course of action was only going to cause more pain for everyone (particularly himself) in the long run, but I would recommend not making quite so big a deal about it. John was, to be frank, a little shit when I came out as a lesbian, and I was extremely short with him. We can only imagine how angry Karkat would be if everyone, say, baked him a cake that said "IT'S GREAT YOU'RE ACE!"  
TT: I know you're only trying to help and be supportive in your own very enthusiastic way, which I'm sure Karkat will appreciate, but try not to tell anyone else without his permission. It's just a thing. Karkat's still Karkat, not some mysterious single-celled organism, and all that.   
GG: oh   
GG: i didnt even think of that!! D:   
TT: It's alright. Not many people do.  
GG: still!! i dont want to be that girlfriend ): i just want to make sure he doesnt do a karkat rage spiral again!! especially not over this because no one minds that hes ace! at least i dont and if anyone else does ill kick their asses  
TT: That's the spirit. Kill anyone who attempts to shame him.  
GG: HELL YEAH!!! and ill go kick johns stupid dumbdumb ass for being a little fucker to you!  
TT: I assure you, in the least phallic way possible, his ass has already been thoroughly kicked. You might even say pulverized. Too bad I don't like pegging, or the metaphor would be complete.  
GG: lol X)  
GG: oh btw karkat just got on his bug computer thing (ewww) so kanayas probably gonna have her hands full with karkat for a while!!  
TT: I expected as much.  
TT: If that's all, then, I'll leave you to sorting things out with Karkat.   
GG: ok bye!!!! :DDD thanks for the help!   
TT: Of course. It was no trouble.   


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]   


carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]   


CG: HEY, KANAYA. ARE YOU BUSY?  
GA: Well I Suppose Busy Would Describe My Current State Fairly Accurately But Its Not A Particularly Pressing Matter  
GA: Anyway As It Is I Can Always Make Time For You Karkat Its No Trouble  
CG: OH. OKAY, COOL, LET'S GET THIS SHAME TRAIN ON THE ROLL. I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BEFORE I PSYCHE MYSELF OUT OF IT. GET READY, BECAUSE IT IS A STEAMING PILE OF HOOFBEAST SHIT. YOU WILL BE SO EMBARRASSED FOR ME, TEREZI WILL SMELL THE JADE ON YOUR CHEEKS FROM MILES AWAY.   
GA: Karkat  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I'M JUST BEING RIDICULOUS. THAT'S KIND OF MY FUCKING LIFE STORY, ISN'T IT? BEING RIDICULOUS. KARKAT VANTAS: KNIGHT OF BEING A WHINY LITTLE SHIT. ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT'S REALLY NO BIG DEAL. I CAN WAIT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT UNTIL THIS WEEKEND WHEN YOU COME OVER. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN SOMETHING MINOR HAPPENS AND I ROYALLY FLIP MY SHIT. THE SHIT IS SO FLIPPED IT'S A PERFECTLY PREPARED SHITWAFFLE, READY TO BE ENJOYED WITH SOME DELICIOUS PISS SYRUP.  
GA: Karkat  
CG: ANYWAY, SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU ABOUT SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL. YET **AGAIN.** WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?? YOU SAID YOU WERE BUSY BUT THAT IT WASN'T URGENT, THAT'S USUALLY SNARKY BROAD-SPEAK FOR SOME SORT OF CRAFTING PROJECT. WHAT'RE YOU MAKING?  
GA: Well Actually Thanks For Asking Its A Lovely Lavender Slip That I  
GA: Wait God Dammit Not Again  
GA: Karkat You Seem Unusually Distressed I Assure You Youre Not Being Silly And Even If You Were Making Something Out Of Nothing  
GA: Which Im Fairly Sure You Arent  
GA: I Really Dont Mind Listening To You After All Its Not Like I Didnt Choose To Enter Into This Quadrant With You After All  
GA: Listening Is Kind Of Par For The Course As The Humans Like To Say  
CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN  
GA: Im Not Sure Actually But It Seemed Fitting To The Situation At Hand  
GA: Anyway Tell Me What You Started Trolling Me For  
GA: Chop Chop  
CG: RELENTLESS.  
CG: BLUH, FINE. THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GET OUT OF THIS NOW THAT I TOLD YOU, YOU'RE LIKE A BARKBEAST ON THE TRAIL OF BLOOD. OR, I GUESS, YOURSELF ON THE TRAIL OF BLOOD.  
GA: Haha Yes That Would Be An Accurate Description  
CG: REMEMBER THAT THING I TOLD YOU INVOLVING ME AND PAILING AND MY HORRENDOUS MUTATED GENITALS?  
GA: No Not Really I Hate To Tell You This But You Make Frequent References To Your Reproductive Organs And How Mutated They May Or May Not Be Which One Are You Referring To  
CG: THE THING WHERE I DON'T LIKE THEM FUNCTIONING AND/OR ANY FORM OF PAILING. THE THING WHERE I DON'T USE THEM.  
GA: Oh Yes That Thing Now I Remember  
GA: What Of It  
CG: WELL, I TOLD JADE. SO THAT'S A THING.  
GA: Did She React Poorly  
CG: NO, NOT REALLY? BUT I MEAN  
GA: Then I Dont See The Problem  
CG: I THINK SHE'S ONLY DOING IT SO THAT I FEEL BETTER. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. THAT'S ALWAYS THE PROBLEM. I'M A SHITTY MATESPRIT AND I CAN'T EVEN GET IT UP WITHOUT JUST FEELING FUCKING *WEIRD* AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY AND IT'S NOT FAIR TO HER TO CONSTANTLY TRY AND ACCOMMODATE ME EVEN THOUGH I'M BROKEN.  
GA: Karkat You Are Not Broken And I Doubt Jade Is Simply Humoring You  
CG: OH, HAR HAR. RIGHT. RIIIIIIGHT. THIS IS ME LAUGHING AT YOU, LONG AND HEARTILY, BECAUSE THAT JOKE WAS JUST SO FUCKING FUNNY. HAHAHAHAHA. CLEARLY I AM BROKEN, OTHERWISE I'D MASTURBATE AS FURIOUSLY AS EVERY OTHER FUCKING ADOLESCENT WE KNOW. MAYBE EVEN AS MUCH AS DAVE! I'M PRETTY GROSS, AFTER ALL.  
GA: I Dont See Why You Have To Equate Enjoying Pailing To Being A Properly Functioning Troll  
GA: Really Now Youre Being Ridiculous  
GA: You Are Not Broken How Many Times Must I Tell You This  
GA: As Much As You Might Think So This Pity Party Isnt Endearing Im Coming Over To Sort Things Out With You Before You Ruin Your Relationship With Jade  
CG: OH SHIT. YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO DO THAT, I'M FINE. LOOK AT ALL OF THIS FINE LEAKING OUT MY EVERY ORIFICE. IT'S OKAY, REALLY.   
GA: Get The Pile Ready Ill Be Over In Twenty Minutes   
CG: FUCK ME.  
GA: That Is Actually Very Humorous Now That I Think About It Seeing As You Dont Enjoy That Sort Of Thing And Even Then We Are Not Concupiscent  
GA: Haha  
GA: Anyway The Clock Is Ticking Hop To It I Fully Expect You To Be In The Pile When I Arrive I Will Accept Nothing Less  
CG: YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS AS ASTOUNDINGLY TERRIBLE AS EVER, MARYAM.  
GA: Twenty Minutes  
CG: ALRIGHT, I'M GOING!  
GA: ♦  
CG: I HATE YOU  
GA: You Find Me Delightful In Every Respect  
CG: I FIND YOU TOLERABLE  
GA: For You That Is The Same Thing  
CG: FINE, YOU WIN THIS ROUND, YOU FIEND. ♦  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pesterlog chapter more like kill me slowly


	3. Karkat and Kanaya: Have awkward conversations about Karkat's sex life

Kanaya said she would be at your hive in twenty minutes. That means you probably have, say, fifteen. If you're fucking lucky, and you are no Serket. You are currently bustling around the hive as fast as you can in search of things to make a pile out of, without alerting Jade to anything strange. She always wants to watch - or even worse,  _help -_ you build the pile, despite knowing how creepy and taboo that is. It's ridiculous. _  
_

You're making your way from the linen closet (why do you need an entire closet to put sheets?? you will never understand) with an armful of sheets and pillowcases when you walk directly into Jade. Which is just great, really, this kind of distraction is exactly what you need when Kanaya's put you on the spot to have a pile ready when she arrives. You know she does it so you stop freaking out about whatever it is you're freaking out about _this_ time around until she can get there and help you deal with it, but still. You don't appreciate losing time.

You shift the bundle of linens so you can peer around it at Jade, "I'm going to need the respiteblock for, I don't know, probably a couple hours? Kanaya's coming over." That should be explanation enough.

"...oh! That would be why there's the whole, you know, stack of clean laundry on the floor where it _does not belong!"_ She... does not look happy. She's not quite at murder-Karkat levels of angry, but she's definitely not pleased. Blurgh.

 "I'll wash them, I know it bothers you, even though it doesn't even smell any different. The floor is clean too. I just really would like to have this pile finished so that Kanaya doesn't passive-aggressively make one her own damn self. 'Oh Karkat Don't Worry I Can Make The Pile I Specifically Asked You To Make' 'No Really I Don't Need Your Help.' It's infuriating, it makes me want to stab myself in the aural canals so I can't hear her, except that would fucking suck in the long run, so. Pile it is."

"You better wash them, mister," Jade says, wagging a finger at your snout like you're a poorly behaved woofbeast, "And they smell different to me! Like feet and dirt and all kinds of other gross things! You keep forgetting I'm part dog, you turd, despite the tail and ears you like to pet so much!!" She likes it when you scratch her ears, too, so there. You know it's super fucking rude and you're probably being the Worst Boyfriend Ever, but you tune out the rest of Jade's rant. She doesn't often get as longwinded as you, but when she does it's best to just shut the hell up until she wears herself out. After what feels like five minutes, though (it's probably only one or two, but still) you start to get impatient. You do actually have shit to do, particularly shit in the time-sensitive Kanaya-related area. 

"Jadeee..." you whine, tapping your foot and pouting at her until she rolls her eyes and steps aside. Your pout has never failed, except for one time you tried for 'cute' and ended up squarely in the zone of 'fucking ridiculous.' You readjust your bundle of cloth until you don't feel like you're going to drop it and head towards the respiteblock.

"Okay, so, do you want any help with that?" She asks, hands on her hips. You groan and shake your head.

"Fuck no."

"Why not? Rude!"

"You _know_ why not, douchenozzle. I've told you before and I'll tell you again, it's not something flushmates do."

"Oh yeah? How about last night, when you let me basically give you a skull massage until you were a puddle of relaxed Karkatness? What about that, Captain Quadrantsmear!"

You, being the very picture of maturity that you are, make the most grotesque face you can at Jade (teeth bared, tongue out, eyes and nose scrunched up) and storm off into the respiteblock, slamming the door shut behind you with your foot. You dump the sheets you'd been carrying on the pile of clean laundry and fuss with it until it looks presentable and, you know, actually usable. It's a bit too soft for your tastes, since Kanaya's used to piles made out of bolts of cloth she wasn't using and not gamegrub casings and posters, and without more material it's a bit...small. But if you go out to grab more shit, or wait by the door to show Kanaya in, you will inevitably get into a pissing match with Jade. That's not the goal for today. You don't need more shit to whine to Kanaya about.

Anyway, pile making. You decide, fuck it, Jade's already pissed at you for putting the laundry on the floor, what's a little more argument fodder, and grab all the blankets off the bed. Bed, not concupiscent platform, not unless you count Jade's wild romps with Marie Curie and her various other vibrating pals. Does that even count? You will never know. You arrange the blankets and sheets on the pile, pushing that thought out of your mind. Okay, cool, pile should be soft enough for Kanaya's tastes, even if that means you're going to feel all squishy and weird without something even vaguely pokey and awkward sticking into your back or your legs.

Now comes the matter of deciding where to sit while you wait for Kanaya to come and deal with your bullshit. You could sit on the pile, but that would be fucking _flaunting_ like a desperate ass. And sitting on the bed would be indicative of a flushed overture, but standing around like a douche would just be fucking embarrassing. You're going to have to pick one option, though, so you settle for sitting your ass on the pile and trying to look as not-pitiful as possible. Just don't pout or anything.

How to sit, though? That is a problem. You don't want to just sprawl around with your belly exposed, that would be pretty much reenacting terrible, terrible pale pornos. You are not a pornstar. So you just have to figure out how not to sit like one. You shuffle around for a while, trying to find the best spot to sit. (your ass is sticking out like this...ugh, you look like you posed like this..) Eventually, you find a good spot. Elbows on your knees, chin resting on your hands. You don't look overly pitiful or like you're trying to put on a show for Kanaya's benefit. Perfect.

You sit like that for maybe five minutes(?) before you hear Jade talking and the slow, measured reply of someone who is definitely Kanaya. Can't be anybody else. You start jiggling your leg and picking at your nails while you wait for her to show up. It's a few more moments of listening to pleasant greetings before light footsteps come down the hall and pause in front of the respiteblock door. It's a little longer before the knob turns and you see the softly glowing features of your moirail come into view.

"Karkat," she greets as she steps inside, smile widening from 'I'm engaging in required pleasantries' to 'I'm genuinely happy to see you'. It will always amaze you how much she likes to be around you. You sit up all the way and wave a little bit, folding your hands in your lap as she comes over and settles down next to you. She's...not great at physical contact -which is saying something, coming from you- but for you she always makes an exception. When you shuffle towards her and lean up against her shoulder, Kanaya puts her arm around you and holds you close, reaching up to scratch lightly at the nape of your neck. It's nice. Relaxing. Your eyelids flutter when she lightly massages your hornbeds, and you press closer to her.

"So," Kanaya begins, ruining the moment. You were so close to falling asleep. You might even have started purring. Damn. "What's this about you being a terrible matesprit?"

You sigh. Can't avoid the inevitable, though, so you might as well get on with it. "I told you. I'm an absolutely terrible matesprit, 'cause it's a concupiscent quadrant by definition and I don't even work well enough to do right by _that,_ let alone keep up with Jade. I just, I don't work. I'm broken, my internal plumbing is wired wrong and because of that I can't even fuck, and that's the whole purpose of matespritship." 

Kanaya doesn't say anything, which sucks because you can't handle silence and have to keep talking. "Why does this matter, you're probably thinking, why do I even give two shits? Because biology fucked me over with my stupid fucking blood, but of course that just wasn't bad enough. Not for Karkat goddamn Vantas, no. I can't even have sex!"

"You could."

"I- what?" She makes you shut the fuck up, at least, though you're not sure what she means. You make this clear to her, "No, Kanaya, my dearest, fussiest diamond, I cannot. I am incapable of that simple act. Hence my frustration." That, uh, at least explains why she just doesn't fucking get why you're so upset. It's not really all that reassuring, though, and were she not so good at papping you absolutely stupid, you'd be pretty fed up.

"I'm sure that whether or not you can is not in question, Karkat," she muses, tracing a claw around the base of your left horn. You shudder. "With the proper stimulation - which might take longer in your situation, I don't profess to be an expert - your mating equipment will be fully-functional without much trouble. Uh, bulge unsheathed and, um. Nook wet. If I wasn't clear. Ahem. If you wanted to, you could try it with Jade, sometime. However, it sounds to me like you are psychologically incapable of desiring that sort of stimulation at all. Which isn't bad!" Her face has gone completely green, you note when you shift to get a look at her. 'Psychologically incapable.' Fuck that human witch for corrupting Kanaya with her sick pale prostitution. (You don't stop to think that it's not really prostitution if you're her moirail, and you're certainly not paying her. You're too busy insulting).

"Ehh," you go, shrugging, "Yeah, I. I'm not sure I want to spend all that time trying to coax out the trouser snake. Or playing with the trouser snake. I mean, if Jade wanted to and it would feel good, I guess I might? But it just seems all... sweaty. And loud as shit, holy fuck. Jade sounds like a dying nut creature when she gets it on with the Terminator, it's absolutely horrifying. I don't even want to imagine what kind of fauna's death cries I'd sound like. No. "

"Well, then, there you have it," Kanaya hums, scratching that spot behind your ear that makes you go all limp and floppy with pleasure. Fuck her, that's cheating. Especially since she did it once and then stopped; that's, like, double cheating. You poke her jaw with your horns until she gets the idea and starts up again. Yes, excellent. You approve. She continues speaking, now that you're too generally at peace with everything to protest, "You work, from a biological standpoint. You just don't feel the desire that fuels the urge to put your gentialia to use. Which isn't necessary in modern times for a healthy matespritship. Have you ever felt your relationship with Jade was lacking?"

Bless her, she didn't even ask about your casual mention of the terminator, and she hasn't grown impatient with your whining yet. You'll need to send her flowers. And chocolates. Those ones with the nuts inside that she likes so much. "No, 'm happy with her," you reply, snuggling closer to Kanaya even if it means you get kind of smushed up against her rumblespheres. She's warm and nice to cuddle. It's not like you're groping her, anyway. Rose will understand.

Kanaya huffs a sigh. "What am I going to do with you?" She asks, hand moving down to scratch between your shoulder blades, where you can never reach. And _there's_ the purring. "You know, if you're happy with her then why does it matter?"

"I don't know if she's happy with me," you mumble, pressing your face up against Kanaya's neck. She smells like exotic perfume, weird and familiar all at once. "I want her to be happy with me, and I dunno if she can ever really be. Unless we have sex. Which I can't do, 'cause I still think it's icky and weird like a fucking wiggler. Bluh."

"Darling," Kanaya says, fond and exasperated all at once. You shiver all over from the pet name and the warm fuzzy feeling in your chest. "Have you even asked her? I mean, I understand being upset if she said she wasn't happy, but you can't know how she feels about your matespritship unless you ask her. I doubt she'd stay with you if she wasn't interested, however. Jade doesn't strike me as that kind of person."

"I'll ask her, I guess," you say, closing your eyes. Too bad Kanaya's here to help you sort your shit out; now you just want to go to sleep.

Kanaya shifts, and you recognize the way she inhales sharply through her nose that she's doing the whole 'is that so?' expression, eyebrows raised and lips pursed."If you don't, I'm making you wear a suit on my wriggling day. And we'll slick your hair back. You'll be both dashing and horrendously uncomfortable." You shrug, making a noncommittal noise. She flicks your horn, and you let out a high-pitched squealing sound you'll never admit to. Ow! "No, really. Ask her for once, Karkat. You can't know what she's thinking, and you'll feel better afterwords. I promise."

You sigh dramatically and push at her until she's lying down on the pile, so you can worm your way up against her side and wrap your arms around her. You both know you'll have to be pestered into asking Jade, but Kanaya doesn't protest your snuggling. "About that lavender slip?" You ask, going for a change of topic as soon as the opportunity presents itself. This probably won't be the last time you whine to her about your sex life- you still feel kind of shitty about it, but for now you just want to be done with it.

"Well," Kanaya says brightly, "since you asked..."


End file.
